Original Version
So many
stories to tell and I know that I am capable of fitting my life into a tiny
old-fashioned frame. But I have been told not tell these stories to anyone
because God knows of our pain and despair and he is the one to save us – not a
devise capturing my sorrow. Therefore I look away and try to keep everything
between me and God. Still, there is this art that is framed on a photo. He is
standing next to me, my beloved fiancé, who is still trying to save me from my
misery. Failing him is my tremendous fear and I cannot hide it. This breathy
halo capture of our first attendance of church is a pose representing my life.
Maybe those who see this photo will be drifted in thoughts about questions
addressed to me: Who am I? Why are my eyes trying to say? Will she ever be
happy? I do not feel like I will ever be. The magical value that such a device
can bring about is beyond compare with a painting that puts on a spurious
slight smile on every face it draws. No, the photography shows the friction of
the second that reveals the truth of everyone. There might be day when I will
be forgotten and my body lying in the dark six foot low and even though I want
my name to engraved under this photo I took, one very day of my life.
[246 words]
Final (Revised) Version
I have so many stories to tell and I know that I am capable of fitting
my life into an old-fashioned oval frame. But I have been told not to tell
these stories to anyone because God knows of our pain and despair and he is the
one to save us – not a devise capturing my sorrow. Therefore I look away and
try to keep everything between me and God.
He is standing next to me, my beloved fiancé, Karl Dauthendey who is
still trying to save me from my misery. Failing him is my tremendous fear and I
cannot hide it. I love him but not in a way he expects me to do. I might be the
one for him but he can never replace these feelings I have for Alaric. I have
started a new life with Karl since Alaric decided to love other women. The day
I heard this was the day I lost everything: my heart, my soul and my happiness.
This breathy halo capture of my first attendance of church with Karl is
a pose representing my life. Maybe those who see this photo will be drifted in
thoughts with questions addressed to me: What are her eyes trying to say? Why
does she look so sad? Will she ever be happy? I do not feel like I will ever
be. The magical value that such a device can bring about is not comparable to a
painter’s work that puts a spurious slight smile on every face. No, the
photography shows the friction of the second that reveals the truth of
everyone. There might be day when I will be forgotten and my body lying in the
dark – six foot low and even though I want my history to be engraved under this
photo of ours on this very second of my life. [317 words]
Peer Feedback
It was not clear from whose perspective I was writing. Therefore I had to
mention one of the characters. I decided to mention Karl instead the fiancée,
who is the narrator, because I wanted her to be a little mysterious.
Some narrative elements were missing. My dear fellow students suggested
making up a story explaining her sadness; and that’s what I did J
I also reduced the amount of descriptive elements.
 |
| “The Photographer Karl Dauthendey with his betrothed Miss Friedrich after their first attendance at church, 1857″ |
No comments:
Post a Comment